Thursday, January 28, 2010

up against the wall [pun intended]

i shouldn't have to apologize 
but i'm now the center of scrutinizing eyes 
someone please give me a disguise
i cant even hold on
if everyone wants a piece of the pie
please just give me a chance
to explain my side

it was never my goal
no well-crafted design
i didn't lay the turf
or wax the court
or smooth the ice
so why am i the vice
maybe i'm being misused?
and now i'm confused

my integrity is on the line
should i be considerate and step behind?
should i act like it's even on my mind?
i should have seen this coming
but i'm no visionary
'cause you never plan extraordinary


Friday, January 22, 2010

Fasting [Food] For the First Time....

So this weekend, I have been participating in my church's Quarterly Fast. It's been from Thursday at 12am until tomorrow at 6pm. So YES, 66 hours filled with NO EATING, and to add to that, I've also taken a break from TWITTER and FACEBOOK! (ohmigod.. gasp!)

I've always been a skeptic of fasting, mainly because my Dad does it once a week EVERY week for the last 20 years... and I just couldn't see myself making it through one day without purposely eating. But I decided to go out on a limb and put all my trust in my Lord to carry me through!

So what is a girl to do when fasting? Because my stomach is rumbling and I'm sitting here trying to focus on the main purposes of this fast:

1. Intentional Pursuit of Personal Holiness & Right Standing With God
2. Increased Sensitivity toward God
(Intimacy & Fellowship)
3. Impartation of Courage and Strength to ENTER into things God has Promised

And along with goals of my own:

4. To be more focused on school and realign my priorities with God's Will for my life
5. Relationship decisions
6. Overall Well-Being

So I can truly say I have been focused on everything that God has been requiring me to do, and turning down my plate has given me the need to rely on God FULLY for his strength! I plan to push all the way until 6pm tomorrow!

Also, during this fast, I have really been able to also be around my support system, as some of the females from my church have really poured into my life over these past few days.

I have even been picking apart Isaiah 58 (ALL ABOUT TRUE FASTING, and really examining myself to make sure that what I am doing is for the right reasons, and what God wants me to be doing.

I know I'm doing the right thing, and I expect a full testimony when it culminates at a church service tomorrow! I am so amazed at what God is doing in my life and in the lives of those around me so I'm ready to march forward!


Thursday, January 14, 2010

Reinvention COMPLETE

And so it begins.

I read the blog I wrote over a year ago called "Love Re-Invented", and when I look back at my single life over the past year, I can definitely say that I'm ready again. I've really had the time to focus on myself and bring myself together after all the heartache and really just cut loose and have a good time. My twenty-first year of life (as i approached age 21, if you did your math) was AN EXPERIENCE in the world of romance, love, and casual mishaps so here I am to give you a play-by-play of my road to "reinventing love".

Man 1: The Ex Factor
So it's tough to get over being in love and having something end that you really thought at one point in time was meant to last forever. Especially when it wasn't your idea to break up. So pride kept me hoping and wishing that he would "come back to his senses", and therefore ask me for my hand back in relationship world. And until I let go of him FINALLY, in August 2009, it would have been IMPOSSIBLE for me to give myself completely to anyone else. But hey, I tried with #2 AND #3!

Man 2: The Braniac
And so I know the name "The Braniac" sounds retarded, but because I really call him by his school, I think that would give his identity away too quickly in cyber world. Anyway, so this guy was the first guy since my ex to really pursue me. It started in 2008, believe it or not, but it was always a surface relationship, simply dating. And I really wish I had developed deeper feelings for him sometimes because he was a GREAT GUY! But like aforementioned, timing was completely off and I was still in love with "The EX Factor", and really couldn't let go, and therefore I knew from then on it would just never work. Especially when he moved on to the west coast and will probably be there for the rest of his life. But it was a lesson learned, and an experience enjoyed, and I got a great friend out of the mix... NEXT!

Man 3: Blast from the Past
So over the summer, I went to a conference in the hometown of my first love (summer fling style romance that I called love at the time). Long story short, he took me out, we reconnected, I realized that I really did love this guy years ago, but then as quickly as that epiphany set in, I also realized the time for our journey had also ended, and while the good times rolled, they rolled on, and we just weren't meant to be.

These three men (granted there were some other honorable non-mentions) taught me about myself and about the journey that my life took along the love path. And I realized many things about who and what I was looking for and who God really wanted me to seek. My dad has always told me that even though it is the man "who findeth a woman findeth a good thing" (Proverbs 18:22), it was my job to know which man who found me was worth my attention. And so I made a mental list of everything I knew I wanted and included "dealbreakers" and I have stuck to my guns since.

So for you men reading this and trying to get a head start on winning my heart, take note:
(Listed in importance)
1. Saved, and living a lifestyle that is PLEASING to God
2. Has a positive outlook on life
3. Respectful
4. Focused
5. Patient
6. Makes me feel amazing
7. Is happy with me being myself

and of course, someone who I'm attracted to (I think that goes without saying, really).

So 2010 I've finished reinventing love, and now I intend to find it one of these years.
It's going to be an amazing journey, and I think I already know where to start ;)

*crossing fingers*
I know God has someone in store for me, and I pray for him constantly. I hope he's out there praying for me too.