Not the same.

So I spent 3 hours in Starbucks yesterday followed by 2 hours in a small restaurant in Center City. Haven’t experienced laughter quite like that in such a long time that I woke up this morning and tried to capture the moment as if though it was a piece of art or a movie scene.

But at the back of my mind I couldn’t stop thinking about where I wish I was. It’s almost as if I’m unable to feel free because a piece of me lies elsewhere.

I keep telling myself that one day it’s gonna be easier and that this is just another cycle. It’s not like I haven’t been here before.

I just know I deserve to feel completely in a moment and right now I feel like I’ve been robbed of fully experiencing freedom just because I can’t get past these thoughts…

How frustrating.

40 days of Faith

For the next month or so... follow me at http://40daysoffaith.tumblr.com

I'm chronicling my 40 days of believing God for the impossible.

I'm holding on to God's unchanging hand.

Hold Me Down

What's a friend?

Well, from the World English Dictionary, one of the meanings of friend is:
"an ally in a fight of cause; supporter"

Now how many of us actually live up to that meaning?

Have you stood up for someone today? Supported them even if it was for a purpose you really couldn't care less about? Fought on someone's behalf?


Because if you haven't done so lately, here's some news:
You're not being a friend. (gasp)

As friends we have to encompass this value as well as others.  And before you even try THINKING about a romantic relationship, why not get friendship downpacked?

I think I'm going to support someone(or two) tomorrow.

True friends hold each other DOWN.

I wonder who's gonna hold me down?

-AB

Skin.

I guess I think I'll post about this song tomorrow.

But for now, lets just listen and read these lyrics:
(and if you know me well enough, you already know not to think im goin crazy here)

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Verse 1:
The mood is set,
So you already know what's next.
TV on blast,
Turn it down,
Turn it down.
Don't want it to clash,
With my body screaming now.
I know you hearin' it,
You got me moaning now.
I got a secret that I wanna show you, oh.
I got a secret so imma drop em to the floor, oh.

Hook:
No teasin,
You waited long enough.
Go deep,
Imma throw it at ya,
Can't catch it.
Don't hold back,
You know I like it rough.
Know I'm feelin ya, huh.
Know you liking it, huh.

Chorus:
So why you standing over there with ya clothes on,
Baby strip down for me,
Go on take em off.
Don't worry baby,
Imma meet you half way,
Cause I know you wanna see me.

Verse 2:
Almost there,
So baby don't stop what you're doing.
Softer than a motha
Boy I know you wanna touch.
Breathing down my neck,
I can tell ya wanna -
And now you want it like,
Want you to feel it now.
I got a secret that I wanna show you, ooh.
I got a secret so imma drop em to the floor, ooh.

Hook:
No teasin,
You waited long enough.
Go deep,
Imma throw it at ya,
Can't catch it.
Don't hold back,
You know I like it rough.
Know I'm feelin ya, huh.
Know you liking it, huh.

Chorus:
So why you standing over there with ya clothes on,
Baby strip down for me,
Go on take em off.
Don't worry baby,
Imma meet you half way,
Cause I know you wanna see me.

Chorus 2:
No heels,
No shirt,
No skirt,
All I'm in is just skin.
No jeans,
Take em off,
Wanna feel your skin.
You a beast, oh.
You know that I like that.
Come on baby,
All I wanna see you in is just skin.

Bridge:
All in baby,
Don't hold nothing back.
Wanna take control,
Nothing wrong with that.
Say you liking how I feel,
Ain't gotta tell me that.
Just put your skin baby on my skin.

Chorus 2:
No heels,
No shirt,
No skirt,
All I'm in is just skin.
No jeans,
Take em off,
Wanna feel your skin.
You a beast, oh.
You know that I like that.
Come on baby,
All I wanna see you in is just skin.

No heels,
No shirt,
No skirt,
All I'm in is just skin.
No jeans,
Take em off,
Wanna feel your skin.
You a beast, oh.
You know that I like that.
Come on baby,
All I wanna see you in is just skin.
All I wanna see you in is just skin.
All I wanna see you in is just skin.
All I wanna see you in
All I wanna see you in is your skin, oh.

breathtaking.

I'm so not sure why I'm making this such a big deal; I guess I tend to mix and mingle with men of "few words."  But I went out on a limb and sent this photo to a friend and he responded that I was "breathtaking."  So I decided to do my own research on the word:


?Breathtaking: [breth-tey-king] –adjective

• thrillingly beautiful
• remarkable
• astonishing
• exciting

Origin: 1875-80

So I'm wondering, what happened in the late 1870's that caused someone to coin the word "breathtaking"?

• Stalin was born (yeah, that guy)
• The lightbulb, telephone & phonograph was invented
• Gold is discovered in South Dakota
• Rockefeller organizes the Standard Oil Trust

But I'm not quite sure my looks would exactly fit into that category of landmark events that were probably breathtaking in a sense.

Then again, maybe the word came to fruition at a wedding where a groom was overcome with emotion upon seeing his bride, and the following exchange occurred at the reception:

Groom: I, I just don't know what to say. You, you are just...

Bride: Oh dear.

Groom: When I'm around you, I can barely breathe

Bride: Like you've lost your breath?

Groom: Like you've taken it away.. You're breath-taking.

But I'm 100% positive I don't fit there either.
But maybe I just gotta learn how to take a compliment.


Pass me an inhaler.

 

Let it be.

You ever get the feeling that something is beginning?

You ask all the right questions, and get all the right conversations.

But am I the only one who looks at that same order of events and thinks it's too good to be true?
Because it's happened too many times. I get hype for no reason at all.
So I'm gonna down-play it as much as possible.

So to me, its not a beginning... it just is.

Love From Afar

Well hello blog, it's been almost 2 months since my last confession.

And might I say these 2 months have been eventful to say the least. And now I am pushing through to finish out this semester and complete my undergraduate education at the Mecca of Black Excellence.

So with the stress upon my shoulders, I'm trying to find the energy to strive.  Somewhere in my college career I seem to have lost my ambition for knowledge; I've grown tired and weary of formulae, complex numbers, and variables in the form of greek letters.

Where do I go from here?
I have 5 weeks left to push through. I gotta find it somewhere in me.

In other news... I think the love that lies dormant in me is really longing to be acknowledged. But there's so much going on in my life with school that I just don't feel like I have the time to enjoy my other feelings at all.

So 'til December.... I'll love from afar.

Cloak.

Heartless hollow hearts
Lashing out just to cover
Insecurity.

Hello, I'm.... Single.

So I already know the cliche "let go and let God"... but I'm pretty sure even He knows me well enough to know what's on my mind: I'm over being single.

Yeah, I can't lie.  I was a part of that whole "Irreplaceable/ If I Were a Boy/ Single Ladies" Beyonce train but.. I think I'm over it. I'm more ready for my own saved, twenty-something Jay-Z.  But I guess when I think about my life, I have a couple of warning signs that are probably blaring loudly at all of my recent "dating" pals since I've hopped back in the selection pool:

1. I'm most likely not settling in D.C. post-grad.
So, I guess this is a huge issue for dudes trying to get serious with me.  I am like a nomad, with no real direction except for the fact that my stay in the Nation's Capital is more than possibly coming close to an end over the next year.  I'm graduating from (the real) HU in December, and all the grad programs I'm applying for are out of the DMV area.  You can say I'm doing me, but I have subsequently cut off the possibility of a real relationship because most guys, while already unwilling to commit, probably wouldn't commit to someone who is planning to bounce anyway.


2. I'm picky.
I have the weirdest likes and dislikes and by all means, I am flexible on many levels at what I'd accept, but the fact is, if a guy doesn't meet one of my strong desires, I can't even fake-like him.  I know a lot of girls have that uncanny ability to lead guys on and front... I mean Pharell dedicated a whole track to those types, but I just don't possess that skill.  Once I'm turned off, I go cold and it's hard to go back.  So that shuts me off from "giving him a shot" and yeah, it probably shuts down my window of opportunity.  But I'm a stickler for what I like, and I know God will send me the desire of my heart.  I'm convinced the one for me will stick out like a sore thumb. (Wishful thinking?)


3. Well.... I guess that's it.

So what does that mean for single me?  Am I destined to spend this next year in social purgatory?
We'll just have to wait.  But until then, this same dialogue will continue to play out:

Him: Hey, I'm Chris.
Me: Hey, I'm.... Single.

Dormant Love.

Thought I was over you
The possibility of us washed by the
Ocean of road blocks and why nots
But in my subconscious my love lingers
Sleeping softly
Waiting to exhale
And inhale the aroma of love.


-Still sleeping.

Connect Four.

Today, my high school ex asked me a question: "Am I trustworthy?"
My answer: "I can't say I know you well enough now to answer that, but you haven't given me a reason to not trust you."

Then he proceeded to let me know that he wants to earn the trust of his current girlfriend back, and as a result would like to stop communicating in the future, at least until he's proven himself trustworthy to her. I respect that.

But what that did was just unearth a philosophy that has been dormant in the sub-basement cubicles of my brain, and lead to a twitter discussion that tried to answer the question: "should exes be friends, much less be in contact?"

And of course people immediately began to come up with "levels" of exes such as:

• Length of dating period
• Extent of relationship (were you in love, friends before you dated, etc.)
• Why you broke up

And those are just a few variables.  But you know, since I'm all about doing things like Christ (WWJD ya feel me), I went to the bible and did a little research to develop my philosophy.  Remember, you can disagree with me, this is my opinion and I back it with my faith.  If you don't share my faith I don't expect you to feel me.  I'm not offended.

So since my walk with God is pretty practical (I fight with God all the time about making me wait for a better relationship), here's what I've concluded on the matter, regardless of situation/people involved/timing:

1. If your initial relationship was based on Godly principles, you probably wouldn't even have to deal with this issue because you wouldn't have gotten too deep with someone or even into a relationship without clearing things with God himself.  If you say you're saved and you claim Jesus as your Lord, you would have considered him in the decision to even START with that person. But if you didn't....
2. If your new girlfriend or boyfriend is made to feel uncomfortable by the type of relationship you have with your exes (even if it is innocent), it is your job to make them feel comfortable.  I don't know about you, but I don't enter into exclusive relationships unless they have marriage potential.  So if you look at your current gf/bf as such, why would you even want to risk it just for a fleeting friendship from a past chapter? Speaking of chapters...
3. Life is full of seasons! Yeah, we hear it all the time at graduations/weddings/New Year's Watchnight services: "This is the start of a new chapter in your life. A clean slate. Make the most of it." But somehow when we apply this same life lesson to relationships, we want to alter the belief to fit what we want.  This is where we go wrong. When relationships end, thats the end of that season. You don't need to go back there. 

• Bible reference: Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
• "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven"

The only reason why this generation struggles with this concept is because it is so easy to stay in contact.  Back in the day, you actually had to work hard to make sure you didn't lose contact with people.  Now all we need is a quick facebook search and we're back in there! So with that freedom comes responsibility to make the right choices and choose the right people to invest our time in.


No matter how you feel about the topic, we all gotta be mindful of who our decisions affect in the long run. Keep that in mind next time you want to open how your mind to an ex.


Connecting,
Ari

Spoiler Alert - Seven Pounds

I was going to write poetry, but i suppose prose is best because I just have so much sitting on my heart.

So I just finished watching Seven Pounds, and it provoked me to wonder... would I have it in me to give my life for others? I mean, this man didn't even die nicely. He lied in an ice cold bathtub and allowed himself to be stung by jellyfish. Besides being altogether random, he endured physical pain as he lay fading away from life on Earth.

Now while I never condone suicide, for I do think Tim Thomas should have sought serious counseling following the fateful car accident caused mainly by his disregard to the oncoming traffic (due to texting while driving), what he did really touched me because it was one man who changed seven lives by giving his.

So I wonder, how many lives can I affect by giving of myself?  I always hear people talk about leaving a legacy, or knowing that their lives were a success by the amount of people who show up for the Homegoing Service, but sometimes I think about the people's lives I affect without they even knowing it.

Like how about let's look at the bible:
Exodus 20:5-6:
"...for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing mercy to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments."


So pretty much that says if I sin, and hate God, I won't be punished, but my children FOUR generations down will get the brunt of my disobedience.  But it also says that God will show MERCY to thousands of generations, and all I have to do is obey.

Yeah so you may say: "But Ari! That's that Christian 'mumbo-jumbo'".
So let's talk about "real life" (although as a Christian woman, my life is integrated with the teachings in God's word... but that's not you.. or is it?).

We are not living for ourselves! Life does not begin and end with the fact that I'm breathing today instead of in 1987 (I wasn't born yet, for those of you who didn't catch that).  I am living at this very moment because I am supposed to be here!  YOU are supposed to be here. Perhaps not to simply commit suicide like our fictitious character Tim, but we are all here to help impact the life of someone else who is simultaneously impacting someone else.

We are a tangled web, in a world of social networking this connection is made even more evident.  I'm sure you had that moment where you saw a friend mention someone YOU KNOW on Twitter, and you're like "dang.. I didn't know (Paul) knew (Ashley).. small world!" Yeah it happens to me all the time.  So in this tangled web we are challenged to make decisions that will not only impact us, but everywhere our string connects. and since our connections are linked to other connections.... we have the ability to not only affect SEVEN, but the world.

So before you make your next big decision, or even little decision, remember that you are not living for yourself.  Whether Christian or not, friendless or popular, in love or single, you are linked to more people than you know.  But don't let it be a burden, allow it to be an opportunity to be great.

I'm just trying to be awesome too.
-Ari

The L Word. Revisited.

Yeah, I was trying to figure out how long I could keep that up.

But I can't... because the feeling isn't leaving me.

So yeah. I love him.

I just slept in all day trying to figure out what went so awry this weekend, and the only thing I can come up with is that I just wasn't true to myself.  I played it way too cool and acted like it didn't mean much to me when it meant the world to see him looking at me like that.

So maybe I deserved it, because my body language treated him the same way.

Why am I so guarded?  Like I'm always waiting to be hurt.  Sometimes I feel like I throw my heart in front of a moving train, yet still manage to be surprised when it gets hit hard.

I never give love hope; instead I give it an expiration date.  Always focused on what's about to go wrong rather than on what's going absolutely right - right now.

So yeah. I love him.  But now I think it's too late.

Another lesson learned the hard way. It's like my personal motif.

Late.

The L Word.

There are so many words that start with the letter "L"

But there's one I'm just refusing to say
Because it keeps Letting me down
And making me feel Less than
Like my feelings have been put on Layaway

So i zip up these Lips
And refuse to admit
Because hopefully one of these days
The feeling will cease to exist

So why Let it still take my breath away
My Life is drained
Longing to rid this pain
Latched onto disdain

So all these other "L" words
I'll form on these Lips
Loyal to the cause
I will not slip

And perhaps the "L" word will learn a lesson to treat me better one of these days...

Just to Get By

Let Your kingdom come; let Your will be done; on Earth, as it is in Heaven.

^^That's gonna get me through this day.

Broken. Slightly Cracked.
Ari

Blank Stares.

I now know why
I always tend to over-analyze
to ensure I stay intact mentally
instead of a mind tragedy

I'm being eaten alive
it's like I stepped outside
with shorts in Russian winter
Frostbitten between the eyes

I choose to love
But apparently it's just an invitation
To be let down religiously
Guess I need a new feeling



So I have more to say, but my mind went blank.
So until the words come back.. I guess I'm out.

Speechless.
Ari

lies.

So who coined the phrase "You get what you expect" ???

I want to find him (because it's probably a man that came up with that #shotsfired) and bring him to reality.

Because how many of us always get what we expect? Probably a low percentage.

So I expected something yesterday, and I didn't get. So I'm calling the BS when I see it, and taking out my frustration on the guy who decided to give me a pipe dream and told me it would all come to fruition, and all I had to do was the simple act of expectation.

Talk about BS.
Now I'll be living with the alternative, and I'm coining this phrase as my knight in shining armor. Because it will help protect me from how I feel right now (ie. dejected/rejected/let down/forgotten/etc.)

"Always expect less than your expectations."

Hurt.
AB

Digital Girl. Day Two.

So I guess this means it's no longer a digital experience. I'm no longer a digital girl. Actually, why did I even put it in the title?

Probably because I will have to revert back to digital after this once-in-a-blue-moon mountain-top experience expires. And it will. It's so inevitable it's not even funny.

You may be mad at me for "seizing the moment" but what's to do when it's finally right in front of you staring into your eyes, holding your hand, kisisng your forehead? Yeah I thought so.

So back behind the wall created for me, I just gotta prepare my mind and heart.  But I'm not gonna let it cause me to push him away until the screen comes back.

Love.

Digital Girl.

Things just got very real for me.

I told myself I wouldn't get lost in my thoughts, but alas, here I am. Abstaining from name mentions (we have twitter for that), my life just got a little more complicated.

I really didn't think feeling like this was possible.  I mean, what's a girl who missed her 4-year window supposed to expect?  All I kept telling myself was to keep my distance, don't get sucked in and.... boom (there goes the dynamite)!

I have no idea where this is going next so I guess I'll keep writing my thoughts because my brain is overloaded right now.

Think I feel better already.

-Ari

Grace: Saving & Keeping

[Titus 2:11-12]  For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men.  It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age..."

Are you saved?  Do you believe in Jesus as your Lord and Savior? Do you believe that by the grace of God you are one of his children?

Well I have news for you... that SAME grace was given to help us to live the right lifestyle!

When I was introduced to this scripture by my pastor on Sunday, it hit me like a brick.  I was leaving the salvation part up to Christ, but the living right part I was trying to do it on my own.  Saying no to worldly passions? Ha, I thought it had to be up to me to keep it together, and I kept failing God and myself everytime.  But this scripture has taught me that if I believe that the grace of God has set me free, I must believe that the same grace can help me live a life that is pleasing to Him.

So it is not an excuse for us to say that we are saved, but living right is just a mysterious land that simply cannot be done.  We've got to believe the WHOLE thing.  Not only does grace save, but it keeps!  And if we don't believe grace can keep us, how can we believe that grace can save us?

Now the letter to Titus continues [v. 13&14]:

"...while we wait for the blessed hope - the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us all from wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good."

Isn't that something good to look forward to? Aren't you eager to do what is good? Well I am.  And the grace of God will help me to say "NO" to what isn't.