Forever Chasing After You

Not the same.

2012-01-11T12:43:00.001-08:00

So I spent 3 hours in Starbucks yesterday followed by 2 hours in a small restaurant in Center City. Haven’t experienced laughter quite like that in such a long time that I woke up this morning and tried to capture the moment as if though it was a piece of art or a movie scene.

But at the back of my mind I couldn’t stop thinking about where I wish I was. It’s almost as if I’m unable to feel free because a piece of me lies elsewhere.

I keep telling myself that one day it’s gonna be easier and that this is just another cycle. It’s not like I haven’t been here before.

I just know I deserve to feel completely in a moment and right now I feel like I’ve been robbed of fully experiencing freedom just because I can’t get past these thoughts…

How frustrating.

40 days of Faith

2010-11-29T07:03:00.000-08:00

For the next month or so... follow me at http://40daysoffaith.tumblr.com

I'm chronicling my 40 days of believing God for the impossible.

I'm holding on to God's unchanging hand.

Hold Me Down

2010-11-22T21:29:00.000-08:00

What's a friend?

Well, from the World English Dictionary, one of the meanings of friend is:
"an ally in a fight of cause; supporter"

Now how many of us actually live up to that meaning?

Have you stood up for someone today? Supported them even if it was for a purpose you really couldn't care less about? Fought on someone's behalf?

Because if you haven't done so lately, here's some news:
You're not being a friend. (gasp)

As friends we have to encompass this value as well as others. And before you even try THINKING about a romantic relationship, why not get friendship downpacked?

I think I'm going to support someone(or two) tomorrow.

True friends hold each other DOWN.

I wonder who's gonna hold me down?

-AB

Skin.

2010-11-21T01:34:00.000-08:00

I guess I think I'll post about this song tomorrow.

But for now, lets just listen and read these lyrics:
(and if you know me well enough, you already know not to think im goin crazy here)

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Verse 1:
The mood is set,
So you already know what's next.
TV on blast,
Turn it down,
Turn it down.
Don't want it to clash,
With my body screaming now.
I know you hearin' it,
You got me moaning now.
I got a secret that I wanna show you, oh.
I got a secret so imma drop em to the floor, oh.

Hook:
No teasin,
You waited long enough.
Go deep,
Imma throw it at ya,
Can't catch it.
Don't hold back,
You know I like it rough.
Know I'm feelin ya, huh.
Know you liking it, huh.

Chorus:
So why you standing over there with ya clothes on,
Baby strip down for me,
Go on take em off.
Don't worry baby,
Imma meet you half way,
Cause I know you wanna see me.

Verse 2:
Almost there,
So baby don't stop what you're doing.
Softer than a motha
Boy I know you wanna touch.
Breathing down my neck,
I can tell ya wanna -
And now you want it like,
Want you to feel it now.
I got a secret that I wanna show you, ooh.
I got a secret so imma drop em to the floor, ooh.

Hook:
No teasin,
You waited long enough.
Go deep,
Imma throw it at ya,
Can't catch it.
Don't hold back,
You know I like it rough.
Know I'm feelin ya, huh.
Know you liking it, huh.

Chorus:
So why you standing over there with ya clothes on,
Baby strip down for me,
Go on take em off.
Don't worry baby,
Imma meet you half way,
Cause I know you wanna see me.

Chorus 2:
No heels,
No shirt,
No skirt,
All I'm in is just skin.
No jeans,
Take em off,
Wanna feel your skin.
You a beast, oh.
You know that I like that.
Come on baby,
All I wanna see you in is just skin.

Bridge:
All in baby,
Don't hold nothing back.
Wanna take control,
Nothing wrong with that.
Say you liking how I feel,
Ain't gotta tell me that.
Just put your skin baby on my skin.

Chorus 2:
No heels,
No shirt,
No skirt,
All I'm in is just skin.
No jeans,
Take em off,
Wanna feel your skin.
You a beast, oh.
You know that I like that.
Come on baby,
All I wanna see you in is just skin.

No heels,
No shirt,
No skirt,
All I'm in is just skin.
No jeans,
Take em off,
Wanna feel your skin.
You a beast, oh.
You know that I like that.
Come on baby,
All I wanna see you in is just skin.
All I wanna see you in is just skin.
All I wanna see you in is just skin.
All I wanna see you in
All I wanna see you in is your skin, oh.

breathtaking.

2010-11-20T08:03:00.000-08:00

I'm so not sure why I'm making this such a big deal; I guess I tend to mix and mingle with men of "few words." But I went out on a limb and sent this photo to a friend and he responded that I was "breathtaking." So I decided to do my own research on the word:

?Breathtaking: [breth-tey-king] –adjective

thrillingly beautiful
remarkable
astonishing
exciting

Origin: 1875-80

So I'm wondering, what happened in the late 1870's that caused someone to coin the word "breathtaking"?

Stalin was born (yeah, that guy)
The lightbulb, telephone & phonograph was invented
Gold is discovered in South Dakota
Rockefeller organizes the Standard Oil Trust

But I'm not quite sure my looks would exactly fit into that category of landmark events that were probably breathtaking in a sense.

Then again, maybe the word came to fruition at a wedding where a groom was overcome with emotion upon seeing his bride, and the following exchange occurred at the reception:

Groom: I, I just don't know what to say. You, you are just...

Bride: Oh dear.

Groom: When I'm around you, I can barely breathe

Bride: Like you've lost your breath?

Groom: Like you've taken it away.. You're breath-taking.

But I'm 100% positive I don't fit there either.
But maybe I just gotta learn how to take a compliment.

Pass me an inhaler.

Let it be.

2010-11-18T20:14:00.000-08:00

You ever get the feeling that something is beginning?

You ask all the right questions, and get all the right conversations.

But am I the only one who looks at that same order of events and thinks it's too good to be true?
Because it's happened too many times. I get hype for no reason at all.
So I'm gonna down-play it as much as possible.

So to me, its not a beginning... it just is.

Love From Afar

2010-11-01T21:39:00.000-07:00

Well hello blog, it's been almost 2 months since my last confession.

And might I say these 2 months have been eventful to say the least. And now I am pushing through to finish out this semester and complete my undergraduate education at the Mecca of Black Excellence.

So with the stress upon my shoulders, I'm trying to find the energy to strive. Somewhere in my college career I seem to have lost my ambition for knowledge; I've grown tired and weary of formulae, complex numbers, and variables in the form of greek letters.

Where do I go from here?
I have 5 weeks left to push through. I gotta find it somewhere in me.

In other news... I think the love that lies dormant in me is really longing to be acknowledged. But there's so much going on in my life with school that I just don't feel like I have the time to enjoy my other feelings at all.

So 'til December.... I'll love from afar.

Cloak.

2010-09-05T19:32:00.000-07:00

Heartless hollow hearts
Lashing out just to cover
Insecurity.

Hello, I'm.... Single.

2010-09-04T05:46:00.000-07:00

So I already know the cliche "let go and let God"... but I'm pretty sure even He knows me well enough to know what's on my mind: I'm over being single.

Yeah, I can't lie. I was a part of that whole "Irreplaceable/ If I Were a Boy/ Single Ladies" Beyonce train but.. I think I'm over it. I'm more ready for my own saved, twenty-something Jay-Z. But I guess when I think about my life, I have a couple of warning signs that are probably blaring loudly at all of my recent "dating" pals since I've hopped back in the selection pool:

1. I'm most likely not settling in D.C. post-grad.
So, I guess this is a huge issue for dudes trying to get serious with me. I am like a nomad, with no real direction except for the fact that my stay in the Nation's Capital is more than possibly coming close to an end over the next year. I'm graduating from (the real) HU in December, and all the grad programs I'm applying for are out of the DMV area. You can say I'm doing me, but I have subsequently cut off the possibility of a real relationship because most guys, while already unwilling to commit, probably wouldn't commit to someone who is planning to bounce anyway.

2. I'm picky.
I have the weirdest likes and dislikes and by all means, I am flexible on many levels at what I'd accept, but the fact is, if a guy doesn't meet one of my strong desires, I can't even fake-like him. I know a lot of girls have that uncanny ability to lead guys on and front... I mean Pharell dedicated a whole track to those types, but I just don't possess that skill. Once I'm turned off, I go cold and it's hard to go back. So that shuts me off from "giving him a shot" and yeah, it probably shuts down my window of opportunity. But I'm a stickler for what I like, and I know God will send me the desire of my heart. I'm convinced the one for me will stick out like a sore thumb. (Wishful thinking?)

3. Well.... I guess that's it.

So what does that mean for single me? Am I destined to spend this next year in social purgatory?
We'll just have to wait. But until then, this same dialogue will continue to play out:

Him: Hey, I'm Chris.
Me: Hey, I'm.... Single.

Dormant Love.

2010-07-13T01:53:00.000-07:00

Thought I was over you
The possibility of us washed by the
Ocean of road blocks and why nots
But in my subconscious my love lingers
Sleeping softly
Waiting to exhale
And inhale the aroma of love.

-Still sleeping.

Connect Four.

2010-06-17T11:52:00.000-07:00

Today, my high school ex asked me a question: "Am I trustworthy?"
My answer: "I can't say I know you well enough now to answer that, but you haven't given me a reason to not trust you."

Then he proceeded to let me know that he wants to earn the trust of his current girlfriend back, and as a result would like to stop communicating in the future, at least until he's proven himself trustworthy to her. I respect that.

But what that did was just unearth a philosophy that has been dormant in the sub-basement cubicles of my brain, and lead to a twitter discussion that tried to answer the question: "should exes be friends, much less be in contact?"

And of course people immediately began to come up with "levels" of exes such as:

Length of dating period
Extent of relationship (were you in love, friends before you dated, etc.)
Why you broke up

And those are just a few variables. But you know, since I'm all about doing things like Christ (WWJD ya feel me), I went to the bible and did a little research to develop my philosophy. Remember, you can disagree with me, this is my opinion and I back it with my faith. If you don't share my faith I don't expect you to feel me. I'm not offended.

So since my walk with God is pretty practical (I fight with God all the time about making me wait for a better relationship), here's what I've concluded on the matter, regardless of situation/people involved/timing:

If your initial relationship was based on Godly principles, you probably wouldn't even have to deal with this issue because you wouldn't have gotten too deep with someone or even into a relationship without clearing things with God himself. If you say you're saved and you claim Jesus as your Lord, you would have considered him in the decision to even START with that person. But if you didn't....
If your new girlfriend or boyfriend is made to feel uncomfortable by the type of relationship you have with your exes (even if it is innocent), it is your job to make them feel comfortable. I don't know about you, but I don't enter into exclusive relationships unless they have marriage potential. So if you look at your current gf/bf as such, why would you even want to risk it just for a fleeting friendship from a past chapter? Speaking of chapters...
Life is full of seasons! Yeah, we hear it all the time at graduations/weddings/New Year's Watchnight services: "This is the start of a new chapter in your life. A clean slate. Make the most of it." But somehow when we apply this same life lesson to relationships, we want to alter the belief to fit what we want. This is where we go wrong. When relationships end, thats the end of that season. You don't need to go back there.

Bible reference: Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven"

The only reason why this generation struggles with this concept is because it is so easy to stay in contact. Back in the day, you actually had to work hard to make sure you didn't lose contact with people. Now all we need is a quick facebook search and we're back in there! So with that freedom comes responsibility to make the right choices and choose the right people to invest our time in.

No matter how you feel about the topic, we all gotta be mindful of who our decisions affect in the long run. Keep that in mind next time you want to open how your mind to an ex.

Connecting,
Ari

Spoiler Alert - Seven Pounds

2010-06-06T17:21:00.000-07:00

I was going to write poetry, but i suppose prose is best because I just have so much sitting on my heart.

So I just finished watching Seven Pounds, and it provoked me to wonder... would I have it in me to give my life for others? I mean, this man didn't even die nicely. He lied in an ice cold bathtub and allowed himself to be stung by jellyfish. Besides being altogether random, he endured physical pain as he lay fading away from life on Earth.

Now while I never condone suicide, for I do think Tim Thomas should have sought serious counseling following the fateful car accident caused mainly by his disregard to the oncoming traffic (due to texting while driving), what he did really touched me because it was one man who changed seven lives by giving his.

So I wonder, how many lives can I affect by giving of myself? I always hear people talk about leaving a legacy, or knowing that their lives were a success by the amount of people who show up for the Homegoing Service, but sometimes I think about the people's lives I affect without they even knowing it.

Like how about let's look at the bible:
Exodus 20:5-6:
"...for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing mercy to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments."

So pretty much that says if I sin, and hate God, I won't be punished, but my children FOUR generations down will get the brunt of my disobedience. But it also says that God will show MERCY to thousands of generations, and all I have to do is obey.

Yeah so you may say: "But Ari! That's that Christian 'mumbo-jumbo'".
So let's talk about "real life" (although as a Christian woman, my life is integrated with the teachings in God's word... but that's not you.. or is it?).

We are not living for ourselves! Life does not begin and end with the fact that I'm breathing today instead of in 1987 (I wasn't born yet, for those of you who didn't catch that). I am living at this very moment because I am supposed to be here! YOU are supposed to be here. Perhaps not to simply commit suicide like our fictitious character Tim, but we are all here to help impact the life of someone else who is simultaneously impacting someone else.

We are a tangled web, in a world of social networking this connection is made even more evident. I'm sure you had that moment where you saw a friend mention someone YOU KNOW on Twitter, and you're like "dang.. I didn't know (Paul) knew (Ashley).. small world!" Yeah it happens to me all the time. So in this tangled web we are challenged to make decisions that will not only impact us, but everywhere our string connects. and since our connections are linked to other connections.... we have the ability to not only affect SEVEN, but the world.

So before you make your next big decision, or even little decision, remember that you are not living for yourself. Whether Christian or not, friendless or popular, in love or single, you are linked to more people than you know. But don't let it be a burden, allow it to be an opportunity to be great.

I'm just trying to be awesome too.
-Ari

The L Word. Revisited.

2010-06-02T13:52:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I was trying to figure out how long I could keep that up.

But I can't... because the feeling isn't leaving me.

So yeah. I love him.

I just slept in all day trying to figure out what went so awry this weekend, and the only thing I can come up with is that I just wasn't true to myself. I played it way too cool and acted like it didn't mean much to me when it meant the world to see him looking at me like that.

So maybe I deserved it, because my body language treated him the same way.

Why am I so guarded? Like I'm always waiting to be hurt. Sometimes I feel like I throw my heart in front of a moving train, yet still manage to be surprised when it gets hit hard.

I never give love hope; instead I give it an expiration date. Always focused on what's about to go wrong rather than on what's going absolutely right - right now.

So yeah. I love him. But now I think it's too late.

Another lesson learned the hard way. It's like my personal motif.

Late.

The L Word.

2010-06-01T22:46:00.000-07:00

There are so many words that start with the letter "L"

But there's one I'm just refusing to say
Because it keeps Letting me down
And making me feel Less than
Like my feelings have been put on Layaway

So i zip up these Lips
And refuse to admit
Because hopefully one of these days
The feeling will cease to exist

So why Let it still take my breath away
My Life is drained
Longing to rid this pain
Latched onto disdain

So all these other "L" words
I'll form on these Lips
Loyal to the cause
I will not slip

And perhaps the "L" word will learn a lesson to treat me better one of these days...

Just to Get By

2010-06-01T05:33:00.001-07:00

Let Your kingdom come; let Your will be done; on Earth, as it is in Heaven.

^^That's gonna get me through this day.

~~Broken.~~ Slightly Cracked.
Ari

Blank Stares.

2010-06-01T04:02:00.000-07:00

I now know why
I always tend to over-analyze
to ensure I stay intact mentally
instead of a mind tragedy

I'm being eaten alive
it's like I stepped outside
with shorts in Russian winter
Frostbitten between the eyes

I choose to love
But apparently it's just an invitation
To be let down religiously
Guess I need a new feeling

So I have more to say, but my mind went blank.
So until the words come back.. I guess I'm out.

Speechless.
Ari

lies.

2010-05-31T06:09:00.000-07:00

So who coined the phrase "You get what you expect" ???

I want to find him (because it's probably a man that came up with that #shotsfired) and bring him to reality.

Because how many of us always get what we expect? Probably a low percentage.

So I expected something yesterday, and I didn't get. So I'm calling the BS when I see it, and taking out my frustration on the guy who decided to give me a pipe dream and told me it would all come to fruition, and all I had to do was the simple act of expectation.

Talk about BS.
Now I'll be living with the alternative, and I'm coining this phrase as my knight in shining armor. Because it will help protect me from how I feel right now (ie. dejected/rejected/let down/forgotten/etc.)

"Always expect less than your expectations."

Hurt.
AB

Digital Girl. Day Two.

2010-05-30T11:05:00.000-07:00

So I guess this means it's no longer a digital experience. I'm no longer a digital girl. Actually, why did I even put it in the title?

Probably because I will have to revert back to digital after this once-in-a-blue-moon mountain-top experience expires. And it will. It's so inevitable it's not even funny.

You may be mad at me for "seizing the moment" but what's to do when it's finally right in front of you staring into your eyes, holding your hand, kisisng your forehead? Yeah I thought so.

So back behind the wall created for me, I just gotta prepare my mind and heart. But I'm not gonna let it cause me to push him away until the screen comes back.

Love.

Digital Girl.

2010-05-29T08:17:00.000-07:00

Things just got very real for me.

I told myself I wouldn't get lost in my thoughts, but alas, here I am. Abstaining from name mentions (we have twitter for that), my life just got a little more complicated.

I really didn't think feeling like this was possible. I mean, what's a girl who missed her 4-year window supposed to expect? All I kept telling myself was to keep my distance, don't get sucked in and.... boom (there goes the dynamite)!

I have no idea where this is going next so I guess I'll keep writing my thoughts because my brain is overloaded right now.

~~Think~~ I feel better already.

-Ari

Grace: Saving & Keeping

2010-04-20T06:14:00.000-07:00

[Titus 2:11-12] For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age..."

Are you saved? Do you believe in Jesus as your Lord and Savior? Do you believe that by the grace of God you are one of his children?

Well I have news for you... that SAME grace was given to help us to live the right lifestyle!

When I was introduced to this scripture by my pastor on Sunday, it hit me like a brick. I was leaving the salvation part up to Christ, but the living right part I was trying to do it on my own. Saying no to worldly passions? Ha, I thought it had to be up to me to keep it together, and I kept failing God and myself everytime. But this scripture has taught me that if I believe that the grace of God has set me free, I must believe that the same grace can help me live a life that is pleasing to Him.

So it is not an excuse for us to say that we are saved, but living right is just a mysterious land that simply cannot be done. We've got to believe the WHOLE thing. Not only does grace save, but it keeps! And if we don't believe grace can keep us, how can we believe that grace can save us?

Now the letter to Titus continues [v. 13&14]:

"...while we wait for the blessed hope - the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us all from wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good."

Isn't that something good to look forward to? Aren't you eager to do what is good? Well I am. And the grace of God will help me to say "NO" to what isn't.

Breakeven.

2010-04-14T12:43:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I sit and dream of a world where love was was only possible to feel in the most perfect situation. A place where you weren't reduced to friend space just because the other was scared. A place where people took chances just to obtain said love.

I think our society has gotten to the point where love is just an accessory. What used to be expressions of love have been boiled down to the desire to be physically connected. Spiritual connection seems to have been put on the backburner for a more tangible, immediate release.

So why haven't I gotten the memo?

For some reason, I still hold on to the promise God has given me, and like I was telling one of my sisters this morning, I refuse to waste my time with a false sense of security for pseudo-love. Most of me didn't want to let go because I saw so much potential there and I wanted it to be everything I needed. But I failed to understand that potential just isn't enough if the other person isn't seeing it the same way.

So I guess it's a good thing that I've stayed single this long. Perhaps I just have to learn how to be more than a one-man woman.

Anyone have any skills in playing the field... the RIGHT way?
I need your help.

-AriMaria-

Dead End.

2010-04-05T18:41:00.000-07:00

When nothing's going your kinda right
Its hard to see anything but wrong
Its hard to stay strong
Don't even ask me about lasting long
Or singing sweet songs

Like a sweet melody
Each note hitting your ear
Giving you a feeling like there is no
care in the world and
there ain't a thing to worry about and
yeah...

Whatever,
That's all a collage
Of shoulda-woulda-couldas
and maybe-if-i-just-said-that-one-thing
twisted views of the 20-20 hindsight
Makes me want to give up the fight

To be a better me.

So where's the right I'm not seeing?
They tell me it's God's plan
But all God is giving me are dead ends....

Nocturnal Thoughts

2010-03-26T02:18:00.001-07:00

Good morning
Good night
Good things come to those who wait
And patience is necessary for success
But sometimes I want to take advantage
Of the blessings
In advance

Sometimes I wish to see
The future manifest before
The present exists
To be sure that my persistence
Is not a vain sense of being
That I'm holding on to something
Worth my reality

Till then i wait for good things to come

if i told you..

2010-03-17T22:44:00.000-07:00

things happen for a reason.
whatever this one may be.

Deja Vu sucks.

My Cure

2010-02-17T07:31:00.000-08:00

When no one else is around, God is always there to comfort my soul. His words are powerful. I'm not 100%; heck i can't even say im anywhere near 50. But I know I'll get there because God is always there to pick me up. I just wish it wasn't so hard.
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life"
-Proverbs 4:23-

Word of God Speak
MercyMe

I'm finding myself at a loss for words,
and the funny thing is, it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard,
but to hear what You would say:

Word of God speak; Would You pour down like rain?
Washing my eyes to see your majesty
To be still and know; That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest in Your holiness
Word of God speak.

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet, I hear your voice:

Word of God speak; Would You pour down like rain?

Washing my eyes to see your majesty

To be still and know; That You're in this place

Please let me stay and rest in Your holiness

I'm finding myself at a loss for words,

And the funny thing is; It's okay.

Word of God Speak

2010-02-14T03:56:00.000-08:00

Transitioning out of my selfish desires and into simply pleasing God. Setting boundaries so I know what not to touch and to see a clear path ahead of me.

More later. Just so much to pray about that I can barely get it written down. Just know if you're reading this and you're going through the same thing, you aren't alone.

Ciao,
Ari

someone wake me up.

2010-02-07T08:38:00.001-08:00

like is one thing
love is something
timing is everything
or else there's nothing

joy inside my soul
cannot be denied
cannot make sense
my mind has lost control
but i don't mind being irrational

as long as i have you with me
mentally, physically
whatever it may be
i'm happy.

up against the wall [pun intended]

2010-01-28T05:47:00.000-08:00

i shouldn't have to apologize
but i'm now the center of scrutinizing eyes
someone please give me a disguise
i cant even hold on
if everyone wants a piece of the pie
please just give me a chance
to explain my side

it was never my goal
no well-crafted design
i didn't lay the turf
or wax the court
or smooth the ice
so why am i the vice
maybe i'm being misused?
and now i'm confused

my integrity is on the line
should i be considerate and step behind?
should i act like it's even on my mind?
i should have seen this coming
but i'm no visionary
'cause you never plan extraordinary

-r-ree

Fasting [Food] For the First Time....

2010-01-22T20:58:00.000-08:00

So this weekend, I have been participating in my church's Quarterly Fast. It's been from Thursday at 12am until tomorrow at 6pm. So YES, 66 hours filled with NO EATING, and to add to that, I've also taken a break from TWITTER and FACEBOOK! (ohmigod.. gasp!)

I've always been a skeptic of fasting, mainly because my Dad does it once a week EVERY week for the last 20 years... and I just couldn't see myself making it through one day without purposely eating. But I decided to go out on a limb and put all my trust in my Lord to carry me through!

So what is a girl to do when fasting? Because my stomach is rumbling and I'm sitting here trying to focus on the main purposes of this fast:

1. Intentional Pursuit of Personal Holiness & Right Standing With God
2. Increased Sensitivity toward God
(Intimacy & Fellowship)
3. Impartation of Courage and Strength to ENTER into things God has Promised

And along with goals of my own:

4. To be more focused on school and realign my priorities with God's Will for my life
5. Relationship decisions
6. Overall Well-Being

So I can truly say I have been focused on everything that God has been requiring me to do, and turning down my plate has given me the need to rely on God FULLY for his strength! I plan to push all the way until 6pm tomorrow!

Also, during this fast, I have really been able to also be around my support system, as some of the females from my church have really poured into my life over these past few days.

I have even been picking apart Isaiah 58 (ALL ABOUT TRUE FASTING, and really examining myself to make sure that what I am doing is for the right reasons, and what God wants me to be doing.

I know I'm doing the right thing, and I expect a full testimony when it culminates at a church service tomorrow! I am so amazed at what God is doing in my life and in the lives of those around me so I'm ready to march forward!

:)
Ciao,
Arielle

Reinvention COMPLETE

2010-01-14T14:08:00.000-08:00

And so it begins.

I read the blog I wrote over a year ago called "Love Re-Invented", and when I look back at my single life over the past year, I can definitely say that I'm ready again. I've really had the time to focus on myself and bring myself together after all the heartache and really just cut loose and have a good time. My twenty-first year of life (as i approached age 21, if you did your math) was AN EXPERIENCE in the world of romance, love, and casual mishaps so here I am to give you a play-by-play of my road to "reinventing love".

Man 1: The Ex Factor
So it's tough to get over being in love and having something end that you really thought at one point in time was meant to last forever. Especially when it wasn't your idea to break up. So pride kept me hoping and wishing that he would "come back to his senses", and therefore ask me for my hand back in relationship world. And until I let go of him FINALLY, in August 2009, it would have been IMPOSSIBLE for me to give myself completely to anyone else. But hey, I tried with #2 AND #3!

Man 2: The Braniac
And so I know the name "The Braniac" sounds retarded, but because I really call him by his school, I think that would give his identity away too quickly in cyber world. Anyway, so this guy was the first guy since my ex to really pursue me. It started in 2008, believe it or not, but it was always a surface relationship, simply dating. And I really wish I had developed deeper feelings for him sometimes because he was a GREAT GUY! But like aforementioned, timing was completely off and I was still in love with "The EX Factor", and really couldn't let go, and therefore I knew from then on it would just never work. Especially when he moved on to the west coast and will probably be there for the rest of his life. But it was a lesson learned, and an experience enjoyed, and I got a great friend out of the mix... NEXT!

Man 3: Blast from the Past
So over the summer, I went to a conference in the hometown of my first love (summer fling style romance that I called love at the time). Long story short, he took me out, we reconnected, I realized that I really did love this guy years ago, but then as quickly as that epiphany set in, I also realized the time for our journey had also ended, and while the good times rolled, they rolled on, and we just weren't meant to be.

These three men (granted there were some other honorable non-mentions) taught me about myself and about the journey that my life took along the love path. And I realized many things about who and what I was looking for and who God really wanted me to seek. My dad has always told me that even though it is the man "who findeth a woman findeth a good thing" (Proverbs 18:22), it was my job to know which man who found me was worth my attention. And so I made a mental list of everything I knew I wanted and included "dealbreakers" and I have stuck to my guns since.

So for you men reading this and trying to get a head start on winning my heart, take note:
(Listed in importance)
1. Saved, and living a lifestyle that is PLEASING to God
2. Has a positive outlook on life
3. Respectful
4. Focused
5. Patient
6. Makes me feel amazing
7. Is happy with me being myself

and of course, someone who I'm attracted to (I think that goes without saying, really).

So 2010 I've finished reinventing love, and now I intend to find it one of these years.
It's going to be an amazing journey, and I think I already know where to start ;)

*crossing fingers*
I know God has someone in store for me, and I pray for him constantly. I hope he's out there praying for me too.

Ciao!

So It's Been Awhile..

2009-05-21T09:58:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile, but I've stil been living. Six months can really change a person. I've been through it all, more ups and downs than Chris Brown's love life (and there's my CB reference for the day)! So let me start off this interview of myself with the 5 W's:

Who: I'm still Arielle María, loving Christ and my family every single day of my life.
What: I'm no longer a student, but a summer intern for Abbott Laboratories - Diabetes Care
Where: I'm working/living in Alameda, CA which is in the Bay Area, directly across from San Francisco, and its beautiful!
When: I started only 3 days ago, and I'm going until August 8th.
How:I'm doing a lot better than I was before, but still taking things slow and sticking to getting my life back in order.
Why: I really messed up along the way, but God's grace seems to be carrying me through it all.

Well, thats all the update I can give for now, I have to get back to work!

Ciao readers! Or follow me (yes, I have twitter): www.twitter.com/arimaria

A Change is Gonna Come...

2008-12-10T19:36:00.000-08:00

Soo... back to my list of the re-evolution of Ari!

#2: Stop PROCRASTINATING!!!!
Okay, so I admit it, I am a CHRONIC procrastinator. And I really need to stop because it is affecting me in all aspects of my life (school, work, personal). But loving, supportive people, do not fear: I have already begun working on reorganizing my life to ensure that I do not fall back into my old habits again! Starting with Google Calendar!! [Gmail is amazing!] So I have already laid out my plans in calendar form, so I know how to plan my schedule accordingly. When new tasks arise, I will strive to immediately place it on my Google calendar, and I will make sure I am reminded by email enough times so that I can get the job(s) done in a timely manner! I am already working on a lot for next semester, and I need to make sure I am fully prepared to handle the tasks that I am given.

Pray for me!

Love and Happy Thoughts...
-Ari

I Write Changes, not Resolutions.

2008-12-05T07:43:00.000-08:00

Isn't Christ amazing? Well in case you don't know it, He really is. And I definitely don't make His job easy. I don't study like I should, I jump the gun pretty often when it comes to relationships (sorry guys, but I do). I admit what my good friend and line sister Thomya always says: "Arielle, you are doing THE MOST!"

Can you blame me though? I want the most out of life, and I hate waiting around idly for things to just happen. And while I'm not saying throw all plans out the window and live life free as a bird - I am a suffering planaholic - I need to take those plans and align them with God's purpose for my life. Because He's the one ordering my steps anyway!

And since you may already know my stance on making resolutions for the new year, or using context clues now know that I pretty much don't believe in them, I am writing changes instead. So for the next few entries, I will be giving my brand spanking new 2009 update of the "soul waxing" I am praying that God will help me fulfill in His own time. Now it might not all get accomplished in just one year, but unlike Resolutions, I won't feel like a failure if I don't come through in the 365 days allotted next year. And instead of waiting until the ball drops in Times Square, I'm starting NOW:

1. Give up the driver's seat to God.

It all starts with my focus on life. The line (above) sounds cliche, like it belongs in a typical pastoral sermon, but it's true! I need to stop trying to take control of a life that should simply be in His hands. I am so impatient sometimes!

...To be continued later (I have a finals review)...

Much love, peace, and happiness.

-Arie

Love Re-invented.

2008-11-12T08:02:00.000-08:00

So I fell in love. And then I fell out. I know, I sound like yet another nauseating Hollywood script flop that spent more dollars on the so-called A-list actors hired to play the pitiful lead roles than the money it got from viewers in the box office (think Gigli, Glitter... AHH! i Just called my self a real life J-Lo.. sick). But, it's true. And now all I feel is guilt for ever letting my guard down, because I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER. Even God was screaming at me through the sound of my dad reciting scripture: "Guard your heart with all diligence, for out of it are the issues of life." [Proverbs 4:23] And now, here I am, after going against not only my own gut instinct, but the instincts of just about everyone I considered close to me. I pushed away the people who meant the most to me due to pride and I have nothing to show for it, except a messed up relationship that wasn't even grounded in the first place. I SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING! I don't think I'm silly or naive. But blinded? Well, maybe... ehh.. well the point is, now I feel jilted.

So what's a jilted 19-year old, chemical engineering student, Christian woman, to do? Ha, and here I'd thought you'd NEVER ask! Well, I'm reinventing love. Sounds easy, right? Hahaha. And, for all of you people in love and in solid relationships, hear me out -- I'm not reinventing love in general, but what the definition of love is for myself. And I'm not sure what it means just yet. So for now, I'm focused on finding that meaning in and of itself and what it is to me. And for all of my Sisters (and Brothers) out there who may feel jilted, or rather may not have anything at all and is wondering where their Mister/Miss Right is, remember the words of Christ (because that's what I'm holding on to) : "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge him and he shall direct your paths" [Proverbs 3:5-6]. If you trust in Him first, then everything else will fall into its place.

And in that place, my four lettered word will be re-invented. And to all those I hurt along this discovery road, I apologize.

-Ari.Maria-

Let's not lose sight of the REAL Savior

2008-11-07T06:07:00.001-08:00

So, congratulations Barack Obama, you've won the election and you are now the next President of the United States. True, I'm glad because I voted for you, but I beg of you - please don't let people put all their trust in YOU! Instead direct them towards the true savior and giver of hope and peace - Jesus Christ!

You see, I was psyched that the first time I got to use my privlege to vote was to put my voice into this historic election, where for the first time media's eye was on the young voters, the middle-class, and even the african-american population. Being black, and a college student, and having grown up in a middle-class household, I finally felt that my views were being heard! Finally some representation from someone who truly seemed to care about me [And not just Joe the Plumber either (ugh!)].

But all my joy did not rest in the belief that Barack Obama is going to be single-handedly responsible for saving the world and restoring hope and confidence to the American people in the government, but rather the fact that Jesus Christ is using President Elect Barack Obama, Vice-President Elect Joe Biden, and all other leaders in all levels of government to fulfill his purpose and complete the work he has begun on bringing the United States of America to where its destiny lies.

But most of all, I am filled with joy that God has always allowed things to happen for a reason. Even though I am glad with the news of history that was made with the election victory of Barack Obama, I am also glad that we had the experience of being led by President George W. Bush. Now some people have lost sight of the fact that we are to fully respect all of our leaders, but as Christians, we should live by the Word of God, and in his word he says "Do not blaspheme God or curse the ruler of your people". So with all due respect, I honor President Bush, after he truly gave his energy, time and thought, even amongst all the ridicule he received from people, media and even Christians, to see to it that America kept from going ary. And so should each of you.

So just as we are to respect President Bush in his last months as our nation's President, let us begin to bring Barack Obama, Joe Biden and all of his cabinet to the "throne of grace" and pray for his guidance and protection as he will lead us into our very unknown future. Whether you voted for Obama or not, it is your DUTY as a Christian to uphold our new leaders in prayer.

But even moreso, let us all realize that it is not Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, John McCain, Joe Biden, or Sarah Palin who can give us the salvation we need like the blood that Jesus Christ shed for our sins. God just gives us hope through the leaders he places in charge, and we are to respect all of God's key choices.

Let us NEVER lose sight of the REAL Savior.

"For the Change We Need", all we need is Christ the Lord.

I'll Forever Be Chasing After You

2008-10-12T20:57:00.000-07:00

I'm a newbie to blogger, but am glad to be here. This blog is just a tool for me to reach people with my own experiences and realizations as I continue in my walk after Christ. So here is my first installment:

So, for those of you who have been even remotely around me in the last few weeks, you could have bet that a note in some shape or form was coming. For so long I've been running.. and still confused. See, my pastor said that as Christians, we run a neverending race. But what I failed to realize is that I shouldn't be running FROM anything, but TOWARDS a tangible end. And who am I running TOWARDS? Jesus.Tye Tribbett & God's Anointed (G.A.) sings a song called "Chasing After You (The Morning Song)". And here are some of the lyrics (I won't kill your time with the whole song, go look it up on imeem.com; its like 7 minutes of pure worship long). Chasing After You - Tye Tribbett

Each and everyday I will seek your face

My soul is crying out for more,

I want more of you

I won't be satisfied nor content of where I am

So I will apprehend till I've captured by what I'm after

And I will go from faith to faith

From glory to glory

And I'll forever be chasing after you

I'll be chasing after you

I will press towards the mark for the prize and

I won't faint theres one thing

I desire and thats what I'm going for

I cant continue life day by day

growing dry I need to be with you (Jesus)

I'll seek where you are

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So now, what does that mean for me, Arielle M. Benjamin? That today I'm marking myself with this note, that you all who know me will not know me the same way. Sure, I've been a Christian my whole life, and true, I grew up in the Church. But now the tables have turned, and instead of running away from all the pains and heartaches and struggles, and weariness that has fought to bring me down, I am CHASING after God's own heart.After being too scared to just JUMP INto my purpose, and God just stepping in and reminding me where I need to be, I finally REALIZE it. This is my epiphany.

Relationships can wait. Money making can wait. But Christ is necessary now.

In Phillippians 3 it says:

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

So, of course I'm not all completely there yet. But now that I have direction, I can have hope that what I am going towards is what God has in store for my life. And now, I am putting aside the things that I thought could help me get through what I was running from, because everything behind me is under control.

I'll forever be chasing after You.